Valuable

    
     I think every girl…and boy…struggles with self-esteem at some point in their lives. Unfortunately, for some people this feeling of unworthiness and inadequacy never goes away. For others their egos are so pumped up that most people cannot even stand to be in the same room with them. I have been thinking a lot about how I view myself over the last couple years. I have also thought a lot about how I used to view myself. I know that when I was younger, and especially in my early twenties, I did not have very good self-esteem. I was not walking around berating myself or anything like that, but I do not think that I thought I was worth very much. I attested this to the fact that no guys ever wanted to date me. That part is pretty true, I did not even have a boyfriend until I met my now ex-husband, but the fact that I was letting that define my value saddens my now adult self.
      My view of self would dip even lower years later as I stayed in a marriage filled with animosity and bitterness. I spent more than a year feeling as if it would be impossible for anyone to ever love me, to ever see value in me. I based this conclusion again on never having dated before and the fact that I had now been rejected (and verbally put down) by the one person that had ever taken the time to pay attention to me. Thankfully this attitude did not last. I am not exactly sure what it was that started changing my mind about myself. I started changing some things; I got a new haircut and started wearing makeup daily. I had lost some weight and felt good in clothes again. I started reading and studying what God has to say about my worthiness.

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. (Genesis 1:27 ESV)

     I am created in HIS own image! I cannot get much more value than that, God made ME! Just as I am, even my faults are a part of what makes me…me. I began to start embracing that, and I still struggle with the concept. However it is getting easier as I see how much more I value myself and God by accepting who I am and that I am valuable to other people in some way.

Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows. (Luke 12:7 ESV)

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. (Psalm 139:14 ESV)

      A change in my thinking made all the difference, using the bible as a guide and learning about myself I started to find my value. I used to believe that I had good self-confidence; however looking back I really valued myself very little. Do not get me wrong, I am not saying this as a way to embrace being conceited, or to pump myself up, but because feeling down about myself has been something I have struggled with for years and I think most people do as well. I believe that we discount God when we devalue what He has made.
      I have been reading Captivating by John and Staci Eldredge lately and I love some of the truths that they bring out about women in the book. One concept that they spoke of was that of beauty. Most of us can go to the ocean or drive to a mountain top and wonder at the beauty that is our world. Tree beyond tree, wave beyond wave of beauty, untouched magnificence. It is so easy for us to recognize that God made nature so beautiful yet when we look in the mirror all we see is ugliness. When in fact we are God’s most prized creation!!!!! That is something that I finally learned to accept, and truly believe. I am beautiful to God, and I even think I am beautiful, which is actually much harder for me to accept.

      I have been pondering this lately, my self-esteem. It is the highest that it has ever been, I can look in the mirror and even though I still see faults (come on who doesn’t) I see beauty every day, both because of my physicality and also because I really want to be beautiful inside. Sometimes I am not, that is for sure, but as long as I am trying to live a life with Jesus and let him work through me then the beauty is there.
      I have one gaping weak spot though. One that is hard to admit, even to myself. I feel confident in nearly every aspect of my being, except when it comes to men. Well more specifically, when it comes to a man wanting to marry me and commit to me and all that that entails. I think I am an attractive woman, and I have been hit on my fair share of times, and I know I am good in other ways. In fact, I could tell a man why he should want to date/be with me, and I believe those positive qualities about myself, which frankly I think outweigh the crazy parts (which there are, of course you do not think I am so full of myself that I cannot see where my pitfalls are!?!), but for some reason I cannot trust that there will be someone who sees all those things and wants to love me for everything, outside and in. I have been married and yet never experienced that. I have wonderful Christian men in my life that see all that makes me a good woman; they are fantastic friends and great at affirming me as a sister in Christ. However, that is all I am, a sister in Christ, which is great, but I admit, I am not so sure that singleness is all I want in my life.
      So there you go, this may be more rambling than anything. I hope it makes at least a little bit of sense. To sum it up, I have fantastic self-confidence, I like myself, truly, and I place my value in God, who fearfully and wonderfully made me! I just have this doubt in my mind that any man will actually SEE me and want to pursue me as well. It is the honest truth that is hard for me to admit, because I do not want sympathy or a bunch of pats on the back telling me that the “right guy is just around the corner.” The issue is not really about the “right guy” it’s about the fact that this really can only be fixed by experience, and I am learning to accept that. I trust God enough to allow Him to bring someone into my life if He has that for me and that mindset is all I really need.

Looking back to move forward

Moving Forward
I am almost done with Grad school. Holy CRAP! This seems almost impossible, and yet I'm so close that it scares me. I think I have more fear than I do excitement. I like change though, I am usually afraid and slightly worried about what is to come but I generally handle it well and await the adventure. I think what is really scaring me this time is the huge UNKNOWN of it all. Not only do I need a job right away, I have a family to support after all, but I have to move since my housing is tied to my schooling. I am trying hard to be relaxed about all of this, and to trust God, He has after all proven himself over and over to me, but I am certainly experiencing my doubts right now.

But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." Matthew 6:33-34

Sometimes I take for granted verses like this, because I've heard them too many times, I've let the truth of these words pass me by because I've become numb to them. For some reason because I've heard them over and over they have lost their meaning. but that's not the case, the words haven't lost their meaning, the meaning is lost on ME. I'm the deadened one. God's words haven't stopped being true, I've stopped myself from living them. 

I have plenty to be focusing on today, RIGHT NOW. A paper that needs to be written, an Oral Defense that needs to be prepared, dresses that need to be sewn, children that need to be cared for, and a God that desires for me to slow down and take a minute with Him. 

Looking Back 

As I am preparing to move forward, and concurrently stressing about the present too, I have started looking back as well. At the begining of my grad program we were asked to write out our faith story as part of one of our intro classes. At the time my divorce had just gone through, although we had been separated for some time prior to that, but everything was still very fresh for me. During a special church service for Lent I found myself really opening up to something that God was trying to show me, to tell me. The "vision" that He gave me (I'm not sure if they would be classified as visions, but often when God speaks to me its through pictures or dreams, I do not know of a better way to explain it), became the introduction to my faith story. I recently went back and read it for the first time in at least a year.  This is a poeticlike way of verbalizing what I saw that night, I have shared this before but it again was almost two years ago.

Scars

           She is exposed, naked and bleeding on the floor. Deep cuts are across her breasts and each cheek; ropes bind her and keep her from reaching out for help. The cuts are from others, but the ropes are of her own creation, binding her, strangling her and taking her breath away. Her mind wanders to how she got here, who gave her these cuts? Why did she let someone put these binds around her making her even more helpless than she was before? A flash, a picture races across her mind, the husband she trusted verbally striking her over and over as promise after promise is broken. Another flash and she sees the truth being revealed where she had previously been fed lies, and she notices more blood coming from where her heart lies. Yet another view of her husband cutting her with his actions and words, she feels as if she has been slashed across her breast, the very essence of her womanhood, while he is being pulled in another direction by the sin he has allowed to bind his own heart.

It is then that she feels the warm hand on her arm and the quiet assurance that through Him all things are made new again. Her eyes are opened and she no longer sees blood running out of the places where she has been cut, but scars still cover her body and a few ropes remain binding her. She asks Him why she still has ropes, and why there are still scars if He has closed the wounds. He answers that He would gladly help her remove the ropes if only she would let Him, and the realization of her own entrapment becomes clear to her for the first time. He then touches the scars and tells her that she will bleed no longer but the scars will always be a part of who she is, there is no eliminating the past, but she can see them as reminders of what He has rescued her from. He then poses a question, “Where should we go from here?”

            This is my faith story, yes there is pain but more importantly there is tremendous joy. A joy that can only come from the Lord, and honestly I believe that sometimes it takes great pain in order to experience true joy. I could write several pages about my life and the events that led me to where I am with Christ now, in fact, I did but then decided to go another direction because it didn’t convey what I really wanted my life to be about. My life now, for the first time, is truly centered on Christ. I’m not perfect at it, I still struggle with relinquishing control, I still find myself getting lost in thought on matters that are of no importance or benefit to my life, and I still do stupid things sometimes. I am, however, trying desperately to allow Christ to conform me into wholeness to Him.

Sometimes its important to look at where you've been in order to best assess where you are. In some ways I can see growth in myself from where I was when I wrote this. In others I am saddened to say that I am still bound by ropes and I have not let God heal some areas yet. I have still been holding my own hand over the wounds trying to keep from bleeding but insisting on doing it myself. Let me tell you, a lot of blood is lost in two years. I am still glad for the pain that I had, and sometimes still, go through. I think what is hardest about reading this is realizing that the scars still impact me negatively. While I can look at the pain and use it in a positive way, in a way that glorifies God, some of them are still painful to the touch. Are we ever completely over those things that once so deeply cut us? 
I also had the realization that in all the stress of being a single mom in school, and especially once I started my internship and have been gone so much from home, I'm not sure I can honestly say "my life now...is truly centered on Christ." I want to say that, and at times it is more than others. But for at least the last year it has definitely gone in waves, and the down waves have been longer than the up ones. I am not satisfied with that. I cannot allow myself to be satisfied with that. I am already ALIVE in Christ....that was promised to me a long time ago, why am I choosing not to live in that?

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

"Do you not know that all of us who have been baptized into Christ Jesus were baptized into his death? We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life." Romans 6:3-4

"Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life. He does not come into judgment, but has passed from death to life." John 5:24

"For you, O Lord, have made me glad by your work; at the works of your hands I sing for joy." Psalm 92:4 

(All verses are from the English Standard Version)